Sunday, July 27, 2008

Isn’t it time to take a stand and move ahead….?? Isn’t it time to stop running after a mirage, after something for which I don’t have much significance, letting go off something that doesn’t understands me, that has no time, orientation, motivation to treat me as what I am…. ??
Why should I spend time behind something where my existence is common, where I lose my specialty, my uniqueness, my original self, my ambitions which brought me to Mumbai? True, I now realize that I am gradually cruising towards something where my only existence is reduced to a name in the long list of wishful thinkers!!
This is not what I am… This is not why I came here for. I know my abilities have brought me so far instead of committing blunders in the true sense of the word in my life. And my abilities can take me places only if I am consistent and persistent. But where am I heading now…..??
Spending my day and night thinking of not the noblest idea which made me a rebel in my family and amongst my friends… but thinking of something which is sapping me off my energy and subtly killing the impossible ambitions….. which I thought only I can achieve and accomplish!
Yes, it is time to move ahead. To tell myself that some things are not worth the effort… perhaps that’s why I didn’t ever put in that extra effort - because in some obscure corner of my heart I knew that IT IS NOT WORTH THE EFFORT!! That’s what has held me back for so many months from going after what I now prefer calling a ‘mirage’. In hindsight, it is actually a useless addiction, an obsession, a run where, in the end, even the victory of ‘Ego’ is the defeat of ‘I’.
Well, that’s it… now when I read back… I realize that I have become a self-obsessed freak… something which was so badly detested by me some years ago….. To prove the point just consider … In the above 342 words write-up there are 20 ‘I’s’; nine ‘Me’s’ and 15 ‘My’s’!!!
Can I really write something without these words now… what about the world, the blasts in Bangalore and Ahmedabad, what about the state of affairs in the society, about politics, about business, about friends, about family and above all the country?????
This simple realization means that ‘I’ is no more the sacred word for me because it is driven by only self-obsessed pursuits. Life has actually started revolving around myself… clogged in the cobwebs of SELF…. And that’s the reason why a career like journalism has lost its sheen for me…. I HAVE BECOME SELFISH…. SELF OBSESSED….. SELF CENTRED!!!!
Know it well that these are negative auto-suggestions which can push me deeper into loneliness and shove me into teething solitude.
And if we are strong enough, we can learn and change… I will have to change…..
I know ‘I’ was my sole companion when I was passing through the most grueling phase of troubles and tribulations some three years ago… then I changed, worked for the people for two years… weaved dreams surrounding them and their best interest and ‘I’ became a sacred word… but it has become corrupted now….
My life has started revolving around two people – me and that one thing that I mentioned above … call it obsession, passion, desire or just a liking.
Whatever it is… it cannot be love… which I always thought was the most sacred of all feelings…. Love cannot make you selfish, it cannot make you self-centered. Its work is to motivate you and make you do something for those who want it. I have love in my heart and it is for all those who need it and the world needs it!!!
I knew this some time back, I knew this some one year ago, I knew this that people need me and I need them even more…. And I was moving straight. Then one find day I was lost… found myself stranded in the midst of thousands of people who are more selfish than self interested.
And the heart that knew how to love one and all – lost the feeling. Now, I am moving through a mist of uncountable emotions which has everything - but not love.
True love will come; it will come through these multitudes that I love. It will come through the effort to selflessly trying to do something for the world, for the people and for all those who cannot give me something in return in cash or kind.
I cannot wander behind just one person…. behind just one thing, especially when that is beautiful to an extent that it makes you selfish… something that makes me selfish and confused and pushes me to a time when I was learning the basics of relationships…
All great pursuits are selfish, noble and makes one grow from within and in that process grows the world which is influenced by that pursuit…. Higher the pursuit… higher the influence and higher the impact and more encompassing the change.
And the change has to be initiated first from within…. Change yourself and you will change the world…
TRY TRY and TRY until you succeed PERIOD